The 7 Stages of First-Time Sex with Someone

If you're anything like us, your sexual encounters are usually pretty awkward.  Once you've been with a girlfriend or boyfriend for a while, they get used to your particular style and you're in the clear, but you'll never reach that point if you don't make it past first-time sex with a new partner.  Here are the 7 Stages of First-Time Sex with Someone:

 

1. The "Determining if You're Going to Have Sex" Stage

 

A lot of people flirt in social situations, and sometimes it's incredibly difficult to determine if someone is actually interested in you, or if they just want attention and that feeling of power that comes from a good, rigorous cockteasing.  Luckily, the rules are totally different in one-on-one situations, and there are very few people who can be deliberately sexually misleading when it's just the two of you.  Those people are known as "girlfriends" and they tend to operate like an M. Night Shyamalan film: they always make it seem like something is going to happen, and then you suddenly realize that you've spent the last two hours listening to her talk about something that you don't give a shit about. 

 

 

Other than that, if you're getting strong sexual vibes from someone that you're alone with, then there's a pretty good chance that he or she is interested in having sex with you.  Your intuition about sex in this situation works the same way as the intuition that you get when you find mysterious leftovers in your refrigerator: whatever you immediately think it is, there's a really good chance that you're right.

 

 

2. The "Psyching Yourself Up" Stage

 

There are two ways to psych yourself: up, and out.  Try to avoid the latter at this stage.  Psyching yourself up for sex is pretty easy.  Just try to picture any porn that you've ever watched.  You know how sometimes you saw the guy's face, and it made you really uncomfortable?  Well, imagine those parts, and put your face on his body.  The vision of you banging a hot pornstar in your head will do the trick for you.  If you're still having trouble, just keep reminding yourself that you're going to be having sex pretty soon, and that first-time sex is a lot like one of those weird parking lot carnivals that you see in small towns: it's kind of creepy, and really sweaty, and there's a good chance that it's not going to be safe at all, but afterward you'll be glad that you experienced and survived it, and at the very least you'll get a good story out of it.

 

 

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