New Jersey Grandma Disgusted by Jersey Shore - Watch more Funny Videos

First of all, I’m scared of being a parent.  I’m scared because there are so many things that can go wrong.   And I’m not even talking about if I had a daughter.  But folks, let’s just say I did in fact have a daughter.  Could I handle periods?  No.  Training bras?  Not a chance.

There’s just no way I could possibly handle knowing a daughter of mine will eventually have sex.  Why do I bring this up?  Well, case in point the girl up top that you see marked 2004.   She couldn’t be more than 13-14 there right?

Um, now?  Let’s just see what happens to her shall we?

Warning: Fathers of 13 year old girls are gonna be pissed

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If there's one thing we like more than drinking, it's arguing about really stupid things, like who would win in a fight between actual saints and actual colts. Here's what it looks like when we do both at the same time:

 

Drunken Argument for the Saints:

 

According to Wikipedia, saints are holy dead guys that live in heaven.  There are also over 10,000 of them.  They're essentially ghosts, so we're talking about 10,000 ghosts.  That should be enough to convince anyone that a bunch of wobbly-legged colts would lose this fight, but it doesn't make much sense for a ghost to fight a scared little horsey.  Unless, of course, you think about every ghost movie ever made.  Ghosts aren't made of organic material.  Therefore, colts are unable to strike them.  This automatically takes the colts' offense away.  They're stuck playing defense, and if you know anything about colts, then you know they're nothing without their offense.  Ghosts are spooky, and the colts' defense is going to be rendered useless by the spookiness factor.  Horses get spooked and scatter like flies if you fart near them.  They're not going to be able to organize themselves enough to defeat the spooky saints in battle when they're running for their lives.  Not to mention: the saints are playing with St. George, the patron saint of war, and St. Francis of Assisi, the patron saint of animals.  This basically means that the horses are f*cked.  Any protection they thought they had is automatically gone, and they're up against a dead guy who's only purpose is war.  The saints are going to slaughter the colts on the battlefield, and the colts are either going to end up in the glue factory, eventually attaching Fruit Loops to my nephew's artwork, or the Alpo factory, and later in my dog's bowl.  Either way, the outcome is the same: the colts are going to end up in the stool of a living creature that I hold dear. That's right: poop. Saints win this one easily.

 

Drunken Argument for the Colts:

 

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There are some things that I've always struggled with in life: Professing love, admitting that I'm part robot, and confessing that I like to fight crime. Thankfully this card does it all for me.

Ok, ok. So I'll have to correct the gender on the card, but come on! No product is perfect. [Etsy via The Daily What]

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This is an awesome webtool that was featured in AOTS . Tired of your boring old desktop? Spice it up and make it into a 3D experience with this awesome desktop application. You can download the program by clicking on this link.

Loyal Holy Taco fans might remember the greatest Super Bowl snack food stadium ever built, which we constructed for last year's Super Bowl:

This year, our friends at Break.com decided to one-up us by building the largest snack food stadium ever constructed. To add insult to injury, they blew our 13-image pictoral out of the water by documenting their snack food stadium construction on video:

The Big Game Snack Food Stadium - Watch more Big Game Bonanza

This is an amazing snack food stadium, but in order to determine which of these stadiums is actually the most awesome, we've decided to compare and contrast the similarities and differences between Holy Taco's awesome snack stadium last year and Break.com's awesome snack stadium this year. Check out the stats and comparisons after the jump:

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Click on the photo for more of the Saints Cheerleaders

As the Superbowl gets closer and closer I’m not going to try and bore you with hype stories.  We’ve heard the comparisons.  We’re waiting for the game.  None of us care dammit.  What I do care about though is what those pom poms will be looking like come game day.

More pom poms at Uncoached’s Facebook Page

The Portfolio

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President Bush Screws Up His Line - Watch more Funny Videos

(Welcome to Ouchtown, population: you, bro. Photo courtesy of Fight Magazine.)

Another weekend of fights yields another instant classic punch-face, this time courtesy of Jay Hieron’s left uppercut. The great thing about the punch-face is that no matter how tough or cool or seemingly unflappable a fighter is, everybody looks like they’re wishing they’d chosen a different career path in that one fleeting moment.

In this case, Joe Riggs seems to be regretting his decision not to become a court reporter. It's a steady paycheck, reasonable hours, and if anyone happens to hit you in the face while you’re on the job, at least you can be assured that they’ll be immediately tackled by a bailiff. The down side of that job is it’s a lot tougher to convince your co-workers to call you Diesel. We make choices and we live with the consequences, I suppose.

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Rex Ryan is very sorry that he held up a middle finger to a bunch of drunks who were cursing at him. It really put a damper on the ritualistic human combat taking place directly behind him.

Seriously, if a fat guy from New Jersey went to an MMA fight wouldn't you be more surprised if he didn't flip anyone off? Yet, Ryan was forced to apologize to "the Jets organization, the National Football League and NFL fans everywhere." Notably missing from his statement are the Dolphin fans he was actually pissed at. Aren't we lowering the bar for moral outrage just a bit? Hershel Walker's performance that night was equally atrocious and he continues to roam free.

Does the NFL's conduct policy now including being polite to old people?

Also, why even post the picture if you feel the need to blur out the hand? Hey, ESPN, we know what's going on back there, which is why the New York Post has no such qualms putting it on the front cover. (Although they can still "tsk-tsk" with the best of them.) A typical eight-year-old in NYC sees five middle fingers on their way to the bus stop and three more from the bus driver once they're on the road. When can we stop pretending this gesture is outrageous and/or offensive?

Ryan said his action was "stupid and inappropriate." Next time he flies to Miami to watch grown men pummel each other into bloody submission, he be sure to watch his body language.

(P.S. His body, which is fat.)

More details to the Rex Ryan rhubarb [Miami Herald via NYSportsSpace via KSK]

New York Jets coach Rex Ryan apologizes for giving Miami Dolphins fans the middle finger at MMA event [ESPN]

In heated spot with Dolphins fans, New York Jets coach Rex Ryan must know to punt [NY Daily News]

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