Gotta love those sneaky whorish wives...

Wednesday, some lucky Queens, New York resident won a staggering $133 million in the Mega Millions state lottery. And since I live in Queens, I was pretty pissed off it wasn’t me. Then I made myself feel better by remembering that most people who win the lottery have their lives ruined by the money. But that got me thinking, what exactly are you supposed to do, if you miraculously win, to keep it from ruining you life? (Surprisingly, “hookers and coke” is not the right answer.)

After a little research, I’ve come up with a few quick tips for how to conduct yourself after becoming richer than your wildest dreams.

1. Don’t freak out: OK, freak out. But when you’re done freaking out, take a deep breath and give yourself a minute to let the news settle in. Your life has just completely changed. After all, everything – I mean everything – is now different. Sorry, that’s probably just making you freak out more…

2. Tell no one: Don’t tell your wife or girlfriend, your kids, your neighbor, your weed dealer, anybody who’s personally related to you until you’ve got your sh*t in order. Money changes people, and that’s only a good thing when it’s your money. So be careful.

3. Make copies of your ticket: You will need these copies for claiming the money. But don’t go to Kinkos. If you don’t have a scanner or a copy machine in you house, you should be able to make copies at the bank, where you should…

4. Put the ticket in a safe deposit box: Keeping tabs of that ticket is going to be your primary concern until you’re done filing for the money. But ignore the need to keep it on your person – that kind of thing can drive a person mad. Instead, put it in a safe deposit box where it’s sure to stay put.

5. Keep quiet: Most people wait between two to 14 days to claim their ticket, and waiting is definitely the best bet. This will give you that minute to stop freaking out and proceed with a cool head.

6. Hire a bunch of people: While you shouldn’t tell anyone you know personally about your winnings, you will have to tell some money professionals. Since you now have assets out the ass, you can hire everyone you need to hire to make sure your money is safe and sound. These people should include a lawyer, who can help you put your ticket into a limited liability corporation or partnership or a blind trust, which will help with your liability, the tax stuff and keeping your identity more obscure.

Also hire a fee-based financial adviser (rather than a commission-based adviser, who will rape you), to help you decide where to put your money when it first arrives, and… a bus-load of strippers. (Ok, that last one is a bad idea.)

7. Claim Your Winnings: Don’t call – go to your state’s lottery office with you ticket and your copies and every form of ID you have. Try to not sh*t your pants with excitement.

8. Buy a house overseas and go there: Once you’ve filed with the lottery commission, you will receive a promissory note, which is proof that you have a butt-load of cash coming your way. This promissory note is now an asset. With it, you can now get an American Express Platinum or Black card, which can be used to buy property. Find a place some place overseas where you’d like to relax, gather up your family or whoever you want to take with you and go there. Stay until the news of your winnings has blown over and you can return home without being bombarded by every asshole imaginable.

9. Do anything you want: What? You’re rich, biotch!

[Excerpt From CoEd]

Have you ever noticed that no matter which Best Buy you go into, you end up seeing the same people working there? That's because there are seven types of people that work at every single Best Buy, with no exceptions.

A little known fact about me is that I worked at Best Buy for a couple of years in high school before getting fired for badly, badly abusing the employee discount system. But while there I learned a lot about the types of people that work in such an establishment, and I've noticed the same people in other Best Buys that I've been to since. So here are my list of the seven types of people you'll find there, from a former employee's perspective.

Next time you go to Best Buy, be on the lookout. I promise you'll see at least a couple of these characters.

Illustrations by Dan Meth

Want to ditch this gallery format and see everything on one page? Click here.

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Car Audio Thug
You'll find this guy in the car audio department. He's got a big plug earring in each ear, some form of facial hair out of a late-90's R&B video and tattoos on his forearms. He tears into the parking lot every day, tires squealing, bass blasting, in a late-model Civic that he's dumped thousands of dollars into. You suspect that if he didn't have a job selling car stereos, he'd be stealing them.

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Marginally Cute Customer Service Girl
This girl works at the customer service desk or as a cashier. She's maybe 17 years old and is kind of cute, but only when compared to the chubby piles of sadness she's surrounded with. Because of this, she's constantly hit on/sexually harassed by the guys who stock CDs and DVDs. She manages to take this in stride somehow and is almost infuriatingly perky and chipper. The chances of her having hooked up with the car audio thug are very high.

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Grizzled Old Home Theater/Computer Sales Lifer
This guy has seen some shit. He's a refugee from Lechmere or Tweeter or some other now-defunct retail outlet. He knows the most about the products he sells, which is why all the part-time high school employees send customers with actual questions his way. He's got an air of resigned acceptance about his life, and while he's all-business with customers, he's got no filter with fellow employees. He tells inappropriate jokes and talks vulgarly about the managers behind their back. He has a strictly regimented cigarette break every 2.5 hours that he never, ever misses.

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Pervy Geek Squad Guy
This guy searches every computer that's in for service for porn, collecting everything he finds on an external HDD that he keeps in the back. He talks in graphic terms about what he'd do to women who he sees enter the store, but when he talks to them he's totally professional. You suspect that he pleasures himself behind the plastic curtains, but you don't want to confirm this. He's got a level 80 World of Warcraft character. Somehow, he and the grizzled old sales guy are buddies and eat lunch together.

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Sad Department Manager
This guy went to college then, after graduation, moved back home with his parents to save money. He ended up getting a job at Best Buy while he "figured stuff out." It's 10 years later and he still lives in the town he went to high school in, is balding, gained 15 pounds and is the manager of the digital cameras department. He's perfectly adequate at his job, but talking to him for more than 5 minutes just makes you so damned sad.

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Slick Careerist Manager
This guy wants to go right to the top. He runs team meetings, irons his blue polos, and gets a hard-on when talking about accessory sales and service-plan attach rates. He's climbing the ladder with everything he's got, and he spews corporate nonsense with the passion of a true believer. You've never seen him have an actual human interaction with someone, and you wonder if he even has any furniture in his apartment. He may be a robot.

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Terrifying Loss-Prevention Guy
This guy is either an ex-con, an ex-cop or a vet. He is jacked yet forced to wear a yellow polo shirt, which creates a false sense of levity when dealing with him. He may seem friendly on the outside, but if you cross him he will snap your neck. He legitimately thinks that it's unfair that Best Buy security guys aren't allowed to carry sidearms. He has so much rage bottled up inside him that you know to just say hello and smile and otherwise steer clear.

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Remember the iSaw from a couple days ago? Unsurprisingly, it wasn't real. But the cause that it was created to support is one we can definitely get behind.

Here's the email people who placed "pre-orders" received:

Hello.

We love that you liked the i.Saw enough to pre-order.

Truth is, you already own a chainsaw. Your keyboard.

Help save more trees by cutting down on unnecessary printing. Download PaperCut, a free application that plays the sound of a chainsaw each time you press Ctrl-P.

Available for Mac and PC.

Thanks for the support. Help spread the buzz, if you will :)

PaperCut Team
(formerly known as i.Saw Team)

This is my kind of prank: it was clever, harmless and didn't disrupt anyone trying to do their jobs or harass anyone. Instead, it gave us a fun diversion with the goal of having us pause and thing about an issue with real merit. Good on you, PaperCut. Those douches at PETA could learn a thing or two from you. [PaperCut]

[Excerpt From Gizmodo]

I’m sure everyone remembers the sound of thousands of disappointed sighs echoing through the country the day that James Franco backed out of his commitment to make the commencement speech for the University of California – Los Angeles. If I went to UCLA, I would definitely be a sad panda to learn that the hottie from Freaks and Geeks wouldn’t be giving my graduation speech.

The reason why he backed out? Well, after all the bitching that UCLA did (seriously, what is wrong with you, people?), we all thought it was some lame acting gig or something. However, a new video shows that UCLA may have rejected James’ speech instead of the other way around.

This video from The Harvard Lampoon shows James’ test speech that he sent to UCLA (har har). I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t want him! Seriously – if this was my grad speech, I think I’d be way more prepared for the “real” world (where there are secure, lucrative jobs waiting for me ’cause of my college degree). Not that I’d be paying much attention to what what was being said if he was flying over the crowd in a jet pack. At least I wouldn’t be falling asleep! And….hold for applause.

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As predicted, five-time UFC light-heavyweight champion Chuck Liddell and TapouT founder Charles Lewis Jr. will be inducted into the UFC's Hall of Fame this week, according to a press release published last night. From UFC.com:

One was perhaps the greatest light heavyweight of all-time, a feared striker who ruled the 205-pound weight class with an iron right hand and in doing so became mixed martial arts’ first crossover superstar. The other was his close friend, a visionary who helped create a brand that is now synonymous with the sport, but who did it not with a ruthless business sense, but with an infectious enthusiasm and an attitude that could light up a room. On Friday, July 10th, the UFC Hall of Fame inducts its two newest members, former UFC light heavyweight champion Chuck “The Iceman” Liddell and TapouT co-founder Charles “Mask” Lewis.

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Tattoos are more popular than ever. People from nearly every social, cultural, and ideological background are using tattoos as a way to identify themselves to the world.  But sometimes your tattoo can send a message that's different than what you intended.  Here's what your tattoo is really saying about you:

 

 

Tribal Band Around Bicep

 

  

What You Think It Says:  I am totally badass, and everyone is gonna be able to tell that I hit the gym regularly.  Now nobody's gonna mess with me when I put on my sleeveless "Event Security" t-shirt.

 

What It Really Says:  I only do curls at the gym, so I need to circle my one muscular body part to divert attention away from my scrawny legs, and this design was the coolest one in the tattoo guy's book.

 

Statement Heard From This Person:  " Hey, pussy! You can't bring that camera in here! There are photos of Triple H and Chris Jerico available inside the arena."

 

 

Celtic Symbol on Back

 

 

What You Think It Says:  I'm out of the house now, so I'm totally getting that tattoo.  I'm freakin' rebelious, and when school starts everyone is gonna know it!

 

What It Really Says:  I can't go swimming when Granny is around.

 

Statement Heard From This Person:  "Do you promise mom and dad don't know about my tattoo?  Okay, and what about those porn sites I charged to Dad's credit card?"

 

 

Butterfly on Small of Back

 

 

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Conveyor belt sushi and sushi trains have always been particularly appealing as they promise unlimited food without requiring the pangs of social interaction or the short repeated treks to the buffet line. Now that joy can come to your home.

Epoch will officially unveil this toy sushi train later this month at the Tokyo Toy Show. Doubtfully slated for a US release (most probably because the train's design wasn't meant to accommodate several pounds of cow meat dipped in butter), the train is a replica of Japan's famously fast N700 series Shinkansen. We're assuming that given the model's plastic construction, Epoch's mini Shinkansen delivers sushi at speeds slower than 186MPH.

But as anyone who's played with a cheap toy train around the holidays can attest, plans for your pricey toro could quickly derail mid-transit, adding a bit of carpet lint and dog hair to your typical wasabi and soy sauce mix. Still, you could do worse than eating off the floor. I mean, once you've taken a ride on the sushi train, you can't just go back to the humdrum life of plates. (Trust me. My quest for unique dining experiences dictates that I only accept food delivered via a Dolly Parton impersonator bungee jumping from a hot air balloon. The thought of anything less makes me want to vomit.) [HobbyMedia]

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