With New Super Mario Bros. Wii hitting this weekend, you'd think the bros would be on their best behavior. But cops are on the lookout for Mario and Luigi following an assault on a New York cabbie.

Granted these may be Mario and Luigi lookalikes, given that the robbery and beatdown took place on Halloween night at a Great Kills, NY gas station, not in some Mushroom Kingdom borough. According to police reports, the dressed up duo assaulted and robbed the 48-year-old taxi driver after an altercation inside the cab.

A third man dressed in a tuxedo, who we'll presume was Toad in formal attire, is also being sought.

Wanted in Halloween assault: Not so Super Mario and his brother Luigi in cabbie beatdown [NY Daily News - thanks, Will & Chrismoke!]

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haha this is hilarious.

 

Hi. It's me, your pet parakeet. It's come to my attention that you've been trying to find out why I won't eat your diarrhea:

 

I'm a parakeeet, so I'm not normally one to be bold.  But, seeing that this scenario will inevitably lead to me eating your shit (or at least to you presenting your cleverly disguised shit to me as you troubleshoot your way to an answer), I thought it necessary to be proactive about this.  I've come up with three relatively common-sense reasons why I won't eat your diarrhea:

1. Your Diet

As a parakeeet, I'm not one to criticize the dietary tendencies of others.  I subsist mainly on nuts, seeds, and maybe the occasional bug or berry.  It's hardly a diet that can be considered savory, but it's pretty much all my gastrointestinal tract will allow.  You, on the other hand, have a wealth of options when it comes to food.  You, in your infinite dumbassedness, choose to limit yourself to a strick diet of Hot Pockets, Sour Patch Kids and Dr. Pepper. 

 

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Click on the photo to view Hollywood’s Hottest Sisters

If the above picture is any indication of this kind of awesomeness then I don’t know what is.  How often do you see siblings, let alone hot siblings doing that?  It’s a dream of every male to get in the middle of a sexy sister tongue twister.  Here’s to the Cruz sisters.

More hot sister wishing at Uncoached’s Facebook Page

The Portfolio

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Have you played Modern Warfare 2 yet? With sales of over 7 millions copies in one day, chances are you have. And man, is it great. Here are my five favorite new toys in the latest Call of Duty blockbuster.

Predator Missiles—You call these bad boys down from a UAV flying above. Pop open the laptop, aim towards the bad guys, and let her fly.

Heartbeat Sensor—With this attached to your guy, you'll always be aware when someone is nearby, even if there's fog or a door in the way. Perfect for sneaking up on people that don't know you're there.

Turret—When you want to take down enemies without being there in person, the turret is a great way to get the job done. You can move it around and place it wherever you want, then let it take care of the rest.

Thermal Scope—If there's smoke in the air, this scope lets you see right through it, pinpointing warm human bodies against the cold background.

Motorboat—OK, so this one isn't a gun or a weapon, and you can only use it briefly in the one-player game, but man is it fun. Who knew that piloting a boat with one hand while firing a small machine gun with the other could be so satisfying?

As most of you know, one of the things I pride myself on is the ability to spot a complete tool that has nothing better to do than try to trick everyone into thinking he’s much cooler than he his.  Part of this deception involves wearing multiple earrings, making ridiculous hand gestures, pouting lips, and even alluding to the fact that he’s part of the mob (which a real mobster would never do).

And while I kind of knew this didn’t just happen here in the U.S. I was hoping that it didn’t.  I was wrong….very wrong.  Turns out in Russia there a bigger and way more dorkier contingent of these gangster would be douchebags.

Luckily for you I have a gallery of these putzes.

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Alright, let's see: this guy's driving a 2004 Honda Civic that's completely beat to shit.  There's no way this idiot can afford a traffic ticket.  Well, I might as well utilize my position of authority to ruin his entire month.  I'll just run his license plate through the police database real quick to find out if I'm gonna have to kill this motherf*cker in the name of the law.  Hmm, the plate comes up clean.  Uh oh, what's this? Expired registration, huh?  Excellent. Now I actually have a reason for pulling him over.  Let's get the show on the road.  Haha! Get it? Road? Because I pulled this dumbass over on a road!  Oh, man, I'm f*ckin' hilarious.  Why did I become a cop? I should've been a world-famous comedian!  I'm already way funnier than that racist two-bit hack Jeff Dunham!

 

 

Alright, I'll start off by shining my super strong, industrial-grade flashlight right in this dipshit's face so that he can't see and he gets disoriented and acts drunk, even though he's probably not drunk at all.  That'll get him, that piece of shit normal, everyday person who's just trying to make a decent living.  Not in my town, asshole!  I'll just go by the books at first, until he gives me a reason to mace him in the face.  I'll ask him if he knows why I pulled him over.  He'll either say that he has absolutely no idea, or he'll confess to doing something that I probably didn't even know about.  If he says something about having bodies in his trunk, I'm just gonna shoot him in the face with my gun.  I've been carrying this damn gun for three years, and I've never gotten to shoot anyone in the face.  What's the point of carrying a gun all the time if you never get to shoot anyone in the face?!  Where's all the exciting cop work that I thought I was signing up for?!

 

 

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Where You've Seen Her: Christy Turlington might be a little on the skeleton side, but damn if she doesn't have the hottest face.  She also might be a bit out of the limelight these days...but she's still super hot.  A supermodel in the late 80's, early 90's (when action movies were truly action movies), she's spent her latter years becoming a yoga master.  Who knows what she can do in the sack?

 

MILF Status: Christy has two kids aged 3 and 6 and recently announced she plans to have them travel with her on her charity missions in Tanzania.  Finally, there's an American as skinny as the people she's helping.

 

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If you end up hitting the bars tonight, we’d like you to be prepared. Sometimes knowing when and who to buy a drink for can be a challenging task for young men. We’ve developed an extremely basic reference guide to help you step up the plate and score some (probably married) tail. Good luck young [...]

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Although I can’t really approve of those outfits being too “male.”  Come on Grandma.  Clean it up.

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They're all tightends.

 

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Click on the photo to see more of Holly Weber

Holly Weber may have started out as a go-go dancer with braces, but it didn’t take long before she was being flown around the world as a highly sought after model.  Sorry but I’d like to see her as a go-go dancer again.  Thanks.

More Go-Go candidates at Uncoached’s Facebook Page

The Portfolio

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