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Guest Column: Why Your Parakeet Won't Eat Your Diarrhea
Posted by itsyourboyerik
on
8:07 PM
Hi. It's me, your pet parakeet. It's come to my attention that you've been trying to find out why I won't eat your diarrhea:
I'm a parakeeet, so I'm not normally one to be bold. But, seeing that this scenario will inevitably lead to me eating your shit (or at least to you presenting your cleverly disguised shit to me as you troubleshoot your way to an answer), I thought it necessary to be proactive about this. I've come up with three relatively common-sense reasons why I won't eat your diarrhea:
1. Your Diet
As a parakeeet, I'm not one to criticize the dietary tendencies of others. I subsist mainly on nuts, seeds, and maybe the occasional bug or berry. It's hardly a diet that can be considered savory, but it's pretty much all my gastrointestinal tract will allow. You, on the other hand, have a wealth of options when it comes to food. You, in your infinite dumbassedness, choose to limit yourself to a strick diet of Hot Pockets, Sour Patch Kids and Dr. Pepper.
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