Throughout history, there's an astounding number of influencial people who were completely crazy from syphilis at the time that they changed the world.  We couldn't help but notice that there are also some comparably astounding and influential cartoon characters that may be facing similar circumstances.  Here are 8 Cartoon Characters That Probably Have Syphilis:

 

Master Splinter

(from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

 

 

Master Splinter is the well-known mutant rat sensei of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Radioactive Ooze-related ailments aside, it's pretty apparent that Master Splinter has a few screws loose upstairs, suggesting that he may suffer from a form of tertiary syphilis (the kind that makes you a little crazy, and would also account for his poor physical condition).  As we've learned from history, though, syphilis doesn't always impair leadership abilities.  In fact, some of the greatest leaders in history are known to have carried the disease: George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were both infected with syphilis.  Washington was the father of our country, so you know what that means: America probably has syphilis, too.  And let's not forget about Napoleon Bonaparte, who nearly conquered the world for France, and invented a three-flavored ice cream in the midst of a syphilis-induced insanity.  It makes sense that Master Splinter is syphilitic, though: you've got to be pretty crazy to live in a sewer with four adolescent ninjitsu turtle-men.

  

The Queen of Hearts

(from Alice in Wonderland)

 

 

Being the craziest person in Wonderland is like being the smelliest guy in the sulfer mine next door to a shit-smelting factory that's powered by old milk.  If an invisible cat and a giant, smoking caterpillar think you're crazy, then the only explanation for your insanity is a viral one.  The Queen of Hearts is not the first dictatorial authority figure to suffer from syphilitic insanity, either; Hitler and Mussolini were both believed to have contracted syphilis earlier in their lives, which may have accounted for their irrational hatred of human life, and their seemingly bizarre strategies and tactical decisions later in their careers.  Whatever the case, I think we can all agree that, if the Nazis had trained giant playing cards as soldiers, we might have taken a little bit longer to decide that they were completely evil.

 

Scrooge McDuck

(from Duck Tales)

 

 

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Ricky Williams is no longer searching for enlightenment in the bottom of a water bong. Oh, he still wants enlightenment, but now he's looking for it in a second career as a holistic healer.

Williams is spending his offseason studying at an acupuncture and massage college, conveniently located in a Kendall, Florida, strip mall. It's all part of his larger goal to find spiritual balance through holistic healing. He's studied yoga and meditation in India and is making plans to become an osteopathic doctor after football. Oh, and he's off the dope now so let it go, you jackals!

The main purpose of this New York Times profile is to show that Williams may still be a hippy-dippy man, but that he doesn't have to toke up on the skunk weed to find a little peace. (OK, the Times didn't use the words "skunk weed." That was mine.)

"Since I've become famous for it, I'm amazed at how many people ask me to smoke," Williams said. "For me to move on with my career, this has to be behind me. I don't want to keep being reminded of it on a daily basis."

So Ricky's moved on from the pot, discovering things like Hindu medicine and craniosacral therapy. (Which is no joke, by the way. I've had that done on me and it cleared up a lifetime of sinus problems.) He's a believer in the "healing power of touch" and his dream is to someday be an NFL "shaman" curing players—mind, body, soul—with his beautiful hands. Good for him. I just hope the players he's taking care of don't ask for a little mary jane to the cut the edge off, man.

Ricky Williams Is Hoping to Heal Others, and His Image [NY Times]

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You can learn a lot from a person's Twitter account, like "I'm an attention whore," and...well, that's about it. But thanks to a new tool, we can analyze our sports heroes' tweets for clues to their sexual preference.

The Stockholm Gay Pride Festival has put together a good time-waster of a program that will analyze the Twitter feed of any user, look for key words and estimate their heterosexuality. So naturally we used it on a bunch of pro athletes. It goes without saying that this is all for novelty purposes only, highly unscientific, and please don't sue us Chad Ochocinco.

What did we learn?

-The most famous jock Twitterer of all, Shaq, had to be first analyzed. With his key words of "bucket," "blow," "body," "blonde," and "dude," his 79% hetero rating seems a little generous.

-The straight arrow award goes to Andy Roddick, whose key words of "ass," "boozer," "bike," "wow," and "office" score him a 92% hetero rating and a supermodel wife.

-The not-that-there's-anything-wrong-with-that award goes to skateboarder Ryan Sheckler, who probably should have tweeted less about "new york," "shopping," "soho," "meatpacking," and "ass."

-Stereotypes enforced: the female athletes score consistently low, except for the Williams sisters. Particularly damaging were multiple tweets including the words "butch," "booty," and "pride."

-Stereotypes broken: also scoring fairly low were the MMA fighters on the list. To be fair, they talked an awful lot about "gym," "body," "partners," and "cruising."

A presentation of scores and key words from a number of athletes:

Nick Swisher: 57% hetero. Key words: new york, milk, big game, coming out, wow

Chris Cooley: 72% hetero. Key words: shop, bear, blow, rent, bruno

Quinton Jackson: 30% hetero. Key words: ass, birthday party, black jack, gym, body

Seimone Augustus: 54% hetero. Key words: booty, loring park, pride, shopping, cute

Lance Armstrong: 83% hetero. Key words: survivor, barcelona, bob, miami, clueless

Chad Ochocino: 31% hetero. Key words: ass, gym, barcelona, fame, south beach

Natalie Gulbis: 48% hetero. Key words: butch, orlando, condo, bucket, community

Dwight Howard: 59% hetero. Key words: pink, bruno body, chips

Andrew Bogut: 62% hetero. Key words: bashing, homo, gay, available, drag

Michelle Wie: 65% hetero. Key words: partners, orlando, intentions, bunny, body

Stewart Cink: 88% hetero. Key words: master, bob, milk, bbq, golf

Cappie Poindexter: 68% hetero. Key words: boi, new york, ass, bruno, blessing

B.J. Penn: 38% hetero. Key words: gym, cruising, body, partners, rocky

Charlie Villanueva: 50% hetero. Key words: brotha, new york, gym, bruno, orlando

Serena Williams: 85% hetero. Key words: good work, orlando, miami, body, clean

Venus Williams: 92% hetero. Key words: partners, cute, cook

Georges St. Pierre: 17% hetero. Key words: ass, booth, sport

Feel free to use the site to analyze your own favorites, and leave the results in the comments.

How Hetero? [Stockholm Pride]
Gay-Test Your Twitter [Gawker]

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Still want to see that Erin Andrews video? One media outfit got its hairy palms on a clip and aired it this morning: CBS's Early Show.

The segment is called "Naked Viral Video Scheme," a title precision-engineered to scare the bejesus out of your parents, which is pretty much CBS News' guiding philosophy, anyway. The video of Andrews has been tastefully blurred and is not the least bit exploitative, I guess, because the report is essentially a warning that technology has reached a point where even you might be subjected to the indignities of having tastefully blurred, totally non-exploitative naked video of yourself air on network television. Here, via Media Matters, is a transcript. You can watch the report below.

CHEN: Well, it is many women's worst nightmare: having a peeping tom taking pictures of you. It just happened to a very popular sportscaster. Now, that video has gone viral, and she is fighting back. CBS News science and technology correspondent Daniel Sieberg has the details.

SIEBERG: This video purportedly shows 31-year-old Erin Andrews changing clothes in a hotel room. Her attorney says the popular ESPN sideline reporter was secretly videotaped through a peephole, or camera, planted in the room.

SIEBERG: Does this incident surprise you in any way?

CHRIS FALKENBERG (president, Insite Security): Oh, it doesn't surprise me at all. This equipment has been available for many years. Cameras are incredibly small. The technology is highly miniaturized. So it's not that difficult to place a camera in an area where no one would ever imagine it.

SIEBERG: Andrews intends to seek legal action against the person who made the videotape, but that could be difficult.

MIKE FRANCESA (radio host): Who knows when this happened exactly? Do they have any proof exactly where and when this happened?

SIEBERG: While the Andrews video has been pulled in recent days from websites, including YouTube, hackers quickly set up bogus web pages claiming to host the footage. Someone searching for the video clicks on a fake web page, and is told the browser's pop-up blocker is preventing the video from playing. The user is then fooled into downloading malicious software, also known as malware. It's the latest attempt by hackers who use online temptation to try to take over a computer. Daniel Sieberg, CBS News, New York.

So, hilariously, what began as an earnest look at all this fancy new perv-enabling technology turned into a PSA for all those potential masturbators in the Early Show's audience. And then CBS trotted out some legal analyst named Lisa Bloom so she and co-host Julie Chen could shake their heads gravely about how this video represents a "serious violation of privacy" and "a woman's worst nightmare," though not so serious or nightmarish that CBS would decide against airing the video at all.

Fox News, CBS air clips of peephole video of ESPN's Erin Andrews [Media Matters]

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Today, there are more overweight people than ever before, and it must be pretty difficult for them to have sex with each other.  So, being the humanitarians that we are, we decided to create our own version of the Kama Sutra that caters specifically to them.

 

 

 

 

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It's easy to get overwhelmed by all the news surrounding the anniversary of the first lunar landing, but it's images like this that remind us why space still commands our collective imaginations forty years after Neil Armstrong took his first steps on the moon. [Reuters]

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"Ive been alotta place but being at the shaolin temple n china has brouhht a tear to my eye buddha blessed," Shaq recently tweeted. So he cried on the shoulder of a giant panda, and turned that frown upside down.

See:

Here he is with Shaolin monks, "blessed." His words, not mine. And he's learning about hashtags — "Shaqtags," naturally — and photoshopping himself into Men's Fitness covers. He's also doing this.

And it's all because one giant panda reached out to him and made him smile, because that's what pandas are for. That's what Shaq is for. That's what photos of pandas sitting on Shaq's lap are for. Let's not forget it anytime soon. Meanwhile, we'll turn to some more wisdom from Shaq to take us into the evening: "Just because your certified , doesn't mean your qualified."

Blessed, I tell you.

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