Bloggy McBlog: 8 Cartoon Characters That Probably Have Syphilis

Throughout history, there's an astounding number of influencial people who were completely crazy from syphilis at the time that they changed the world. We couldn't help but notice that there are also some comparably astounding and influential cartoon characters that may be facing similar circumstances. Here are 8 Cartoon Characters That Probably Have Syphilis:

Master Splinter

(from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Master Splinter is the well-known mutant rat sensei of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Radioactive Ooze-related ailments aside, it's pretty apparent that Master Splinter has a few screws loose upstairs, suggesting that he may suffer from a form of tertiary syphilis (the kind that makes you a little crazy, and would also account for his poor physical condition). As we've learned from history, though, syphilis doesn't always impair leadership abilities. In fact, some of the greatest leaders in history are known to have carried the disease: George Washington and Abraham Lincoln were both infected with syphilis. Washington was the father of our country, so you know what that means: America probably has syphilis, too. And let's not forget about Napoleon Bonaparte, who nearly conquered the world for France, and invented a three-flavored ice cream in the midst of a syphilis-induced insanity. It makes sense that Master Splinter is syphilitic, though: you've got to be pretty crazy to live in a sewer with four adolescent ninjitsu turtle-men.

The Queen of Hearts

(from Alice in Wonderland)

Being the craziest person in Wonderland is like being the smelliest guy in the sulfer mine next door to a shit-smelting factory that's powered by old milk. If an invisible cat and a giant, smoking caterpillar think you're crazy, then the only explanation for your insanity is a viral one. The Queen of Hearts is not the first dictatorial authority figure to suffer from syphilitic insanity, either; Hitler and Mussolini were both believed to have contracted syphilis earlier in their lives, which may have accounted for their irrational hatred of human life, and their seemingly bizarre strategies and tactical decisions later in their careers. Whatever the case, I think we can all agree that, if the Nazis had trained giant playing cards as soldiers, we might have taken a little bit longer to decide that they were completely evil.

Scrooge McDuck

(from Duck Tales)