Bloggy McBlog: How To: Get a Bartender's Attention

When you're a bartender, every night feels like the initial, frantic phases of an awkward orgy: It's really loud and messy, and you've got a lot to do, but you have to deal with disgusting, sweaty, drunk a-holes all night. A good bar patron can be a breath of fresh air to a hard-working bartender, but if you're going to get noticed in that sea of sweaty drunk faces that the bartender's looking into all night, you'll have to know the proper procedure:

Step 1: Have Some Boobs

Whether you're a guy who likes them or a girl who has them, boobs are great for many reasons. One of the things that they're really good for is getting attention, and the great thing is that they don't even have to be your boobs. As long as you're near a set of boobs, you're greatly increasing your chances of getting some drinks before the karaoke DJ starts hitting on your date again. It doesn't matter what kind of boobs they are, either, but keep in mind that your wait time at the bar is directly proportional to the size of the boobs you're standing near. Dolly Parton probably doesn't even know that people wait at bars, and guess what: neither does her husband. Always stand next to the biggest boobs that you can find. That's just good advice for life in general, but it will definitely help you get your drinks faster.

Step 2: Make Eye Contact, But Don't Be Creepy About It

Your goal here is fairly simple: you want the bartender to acknowledge that you're there, and that you're waiting to place an order, but you don't want to hold the gaze so long that his butthole starts to worry about you waiting for him later in the parking lot. Just establish quick eye contact, and then look away. Some people like to throw in a bit of a head nod, and that's probably okay if you can pull it off without looking like a biker bar extra from Wild Hogs, which most people can't do. You definitely shouldn't smile unnaturally at the bartender, and don't even think of mouthing any words to him, unless you want him to think that you're either hitting on him, or that you're a deaf-mute, and nobody wants to be mistaken for a deaf-mute.

Step 3: Hold Some Cash In Your Hand