If State Fair Rides Were Honest

State Fairs are a modern spectacle of culture (or a lack thereof), make-shift technology, and things that are fried, but sometimes it seems like State Fairs aren't being completely honest with us. With that in mind, we decided to come up with some honest names for State Fair rides, so that everyone knows exactly what they're getting into at this year's State Fair:

 

Finger Bang-O-Rama!

(aka, The Ferris Wheel)

 

 

I know what you're thinking: "oh, the Ferris Wheel! The most innocent and harmless ride at the State Fair! You just get in a car and ride around in a circle. It's so romantic!" Wrong!  Finger Bang City!  take a close look at the line for the Ferris Wheel.  Who do you see waiting to get on?  Throngs of teenagers just waiting to finger bang each other.  Like acne-covered, horny little deaf kids practicing sign language, they wait in line, anxiously warming up their digits for action.  Of course, the excitement of the line to get on the Ferris Wheel is contrasted greatly by the slow, awkward shuffle of the couples getting off, uncomfortably smelling their fingers as one of them makes his way through a sea of hi-fives to the corn dog stand and the other heads promptly to the port-o-potty cluster nearby.

 

The Vagin-a-Whirl!

(aka, the Chair Spin)

 

 

The concept is pretty simple: you sit in a chair that's tied to a big spinny thing by some ropes.  Then the spinny thing starts spinning, and the chairs fly around.  It sounds innocent enough, but, like a bleached asshole, there's a darker, dirtier side to it: the Chair Spin an upskirt fanatic's wet dream come to life.  In fact, the Chair Spin is one of the only places in the entire fair where you can see grown men standing around at its base and masturbating openly, with no sign of remorse or embarrassment whatsoever.  Give them a break: an upskirt opportunity like this only comes around once a year.

 

Animal-schwitz!

(aka, The Petting Zoo)

 

 

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